- think you are so stupid how can people even hire you
-think you are fat like a cow (I am so sorry cow, you cute! )
Bottom line is that you think YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
This thought constantly circles me, engulfing me in its negativity, maybe it happens once a week, sometimes 2 days in a row, especially before getting my period ( YES LET'S ALL BLAME IT ON PMS?). It came to a point where I couldn't leave the house without makeup, or at least cover myself in a cap or in sunglasses, I dreaded meeting new people and getting out of the house. It became a HUGE PROBLEM, and I had to make changes. I realised there are 3 main factors to this:
1. I think too much, someone either has an agenda or bad mouthing me, judging me in their minds. I cared too much.
2. I was insecure, I had no confidence. Maybe because I was always compared when I was a child, or the fact I was always told I was ugly when I was younger. Hence I became too critical of myself.
3. I craved for perfection. I was obsessed, I wanted things to be the way I wanted it, and painted the most perfect illusion and when things caved, so did I.
It was unhealthy and I was dying (inside at least). It was taking a toll on everyone around me and I felt even worse. So I decided to make that change, it was hard but who said it was going to be easy? As long as you try!
REMOVE ALL NEGATIVITY
Negative thinking, negative people, negative news, negative drama.
If it means unfollowing some people on Facebook and Instagram, or just deactivate it for awhile. yes it sounds like you are running away from your "problems", but I'd rather chill for awhile, and strengthen my heart and emotions, then face it again. Taking a time off doesn't make you seem incompetent, I think its rather wise to look at things out of the situation, its a much clearer view when your mind is not clouded by preset thoughts. So what if somebody says you are childish, or that you are a terrible person for unfollowing them? Remember its your account, you are the owner and you can choose to do whatever you want, you don't have to do something you don't want to.
Sometimes we get so tied up in other people lives, their newsfeed, their updates or their stories, we forget who we are and we lose ourselves and that's pretty scary. We'd compare ourselves in someway unconsciously and get frustrated too easily as to why can't we be like them? WHY? because we are not meant to be like them, to follow them, we were meant to create our own paths in life.
If that person thinks his/her bluntness is a form of being honest and straightforward and its negativity gets to you, kick them out of your live, being honest and being too judgemental and rude are two very different things. I trust you know how to differentiate the former and the latter.
IMPERFECTION IS PERFECTION
I thought long and hard as to how to be the perfect person, and then it hit me, a perfect person knows how to do everything, including being imperfect. That's how we know we are human, we aren't machines, we can't regulate everything we do, we are suppose to make mistakes, to fall, to be spontaneous, to not understand, so we can have things to talk about, to laugh about and to learn from. Life is a class full of surprises and tests that the teacher clearly did not teach, but that's how we grow. I learnt to take it easy and be crazy, be who I want to be, and I want to be human, to be imperfectly perfect. To me, life is that photoshoot session, where by at first you have no make up on and terrible eye bags because it was clearly too early for work, and you have a team of people helping you get ready and guiding you, after that you pose on your own, and when you get the hang of it, you become more natural and flawless and picture perfect happens. Picture perfect, effortless but only you know how hard, how tiring it was. What seems picture perfect, may not be that perfect after all.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH AWESOMENESS
Sometimes its too darn hard to be positive on your own, you need somebody to help you out, hey we all need help from time to time! I am truly blessed because I am surrounded by amazing people who would always back me up, not afraid to correct me when I am wrong and are willing to hear my complaints as well as counter back negativity with sincere compliments and positivity. Friendship is not determined by time but by heart, by sincerity not by false remarks. I am grateful I have met a bunch of people that took the effort to talk to me when I was too "thin", notice that I have been a tad bit too quiet, go all the way to make sure there was a smile on my face. Friends of 10 years, friends of 6 years, heck friends of a few months, I can't express how lucky I have been, to be presented with the gift of friendship. Never for once try to impress, or fish compliments from temporary guests, insincere people who constantly try to put you down. Its not worth it, save the energy for those who truly loves you, no matter how terrible of a state you are in.
IN THE END, you still have to understand the matter of the fact is: it is still YOUR LIFE, YOU BE THE JUDGE! As cliche as it can be, you are beautiful enough, you are smart enough, you are good enough, YOU ARE ENOUGH. After you cry your heart out, shake it off and start again, you are strong enough.
One more thing I am currently in a competition, so do feel free to vote for me, if possible everyday ;)
Joyce Harn 洪紫涵
First, I didn't win the title, I was just a finalist out of 15, and got 3rd place in Miss Wilayah Tourism 2015, that's how I got into the national level.
WHY DID I JOIN A BEAUTY PAGEANT?
I had nothing to do, yeah plus I wanted to know what it is like in a beauty pageant. Before this I never liked the idea of a beauty pageant, and I didn't think I would have ever joined one.
DID I REGRET MY DECISION?
Initially i did, then I met an amazing team of organisers and I felt like i was learning something so, I can safely say I didn't. Word of advise, the organisers is an important factor to consider when joining a pageant, as a good one can take good care of you, and you can learn so much, whereas a horrible one will make you hate pageantry. ( Well, that's how some of us feel anyways)
The main topic I would want to discuss here is:
WHAT DID I LEARN?
I learnt how to talk, yes you heard me, under pressure, with hundreds of unknown people gazing at me, trying to say something smart, acting all cool although in my heart I am screaming I SHOULDN'T HAVE CAME!. Once you are in there, you automatically have to be out there, automatically have to open your mouth and just pray what ever comes out of it makes sense, at least. This is because you have no way of backing out of it, when its your turn like it or not, you have to get up to that microphone and say something or they will give up on you ( lame pun).
Thankfully for me, during my national pageant, I got a chance to attend an array of mini shows where I have to talk about make up products, to good eye wear, to amazing artwork.
Do your homework, understand your questions and materials, think thoroughly! NEVER THINK YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH to go up there and wing it, because chances are you might be smart but nerves get to people, and you might just forget whatever you were going to say, yes I speak from experience, guilty as charged.
I learnt about new brands, and how sponsorships are like, what it means to be a good representative for your sponsors., all in all I learnt how to be responsible. These are just a few of our sponsors, and during visitations to our sponsors we were required to take pictures and also post it on our social media, as tedious as you might think it sounds. Sponsors give us things for free and in return we help them by promoting them on social media, its a win-win situation. Although in pageants, we don't get to choose our sponsors but we make good use of what we can.
Read up on your sponsors, understand what do they do, this can help you construct captions for your posts.
I learnt how to make friends, 15 girls all from different places, background, and thinking, yet to bond together and help one another out, that's gold. As pageant week ( you stay in the accommodation assigned, and you can't leave for no reason) was about 2 weeks, these girls became family, and I got especially close with my roommate, Miss Sabah Tourism 2015, beautiful inside and out. Initially we didn't really talked, just the basic like I am going to shower now, I am going to bed, about 3 days later we realised we were the same people, crazy and free-spirited, not at all the typical beauty queens( poise and composed, we are the total opposites!) so naturally we clicked. Goes to show that people who aren't "friendly" in the beginning click better, as we ( ahem ahem) are not keen on trying to impress rather to be ourselves. Thankfully for me, the girls I've met are not vicious nor only thought of winning, but were willing to help one another and share informations.
Be yourself, don't try to lie your way in, because these girls will be your friend/family for a week or 2 and you need them because pageants are pretty stressful.
LASTLY I LEARNT THAT BEAUTY PAGEANTS AREN'T JUST ABOUT BEAUTY
The main reason as to why I didn't want to join a pageant was because I couldn't accept and comprehend why would girls be okay parading around in sexy outfits to pleased ogling men, as the saying goes: We mock what we don't understand. Once I was in it, I realised beauty pageants are more than just displaying beautiful faces, its about being witty and smart, its about understanding society, its about loving what was given to you, its about confidence, its about being caring, its so many things, and I am sure different people experience different things. I loved how the women I've met through this pageant were all so beautiful in terms of their minds, smart and confident in the way they speak, trying to change the world bit by bit by taking a stand and telling the world their beliefs and passion. Through this pageant in particular, I learnt to love my country even more, through visitations and short trips during pageant week, learning from old mak cik (aunty) about traditional costumes, and through amazing videos about Malaysia done by our talents videographers as well as photographers.
Enjoy every second of it, because you don't get to experience the same moment twice. Love the spotlight, embrace the feeling, and seize the moment, because you have come so far, you deserve every minute of it.
All in all, I loved my experience in Miss Malaysia Tourism and I wouldn't mind joining another pageant. Till then! what can I say I just realized I am a proud pageant girl.
An Aquarius actress seeking for the meaning of life: good food, good friends, good places, good music, basically everything that is good.